2006-05 humour collection - Newman Tools

heard a good one lately please send it to

spamfilter "at" newmantools " dot" com ( this is to avoid the robots collecting email addresses )

updated March 2006 sorry it took so long to update. ( i'm busy running a business)

 

thanks to my regular contributors, Cecil, Jaz, Boris, & Sarah

---

The Love Dress

A lady stopped unexpectedly by her recently married son's house. She rang
the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing
naked by the door.
What are you doing she asked?
I am waiting for my husband to come home from work the daughter in law
replied.
Why are you naked.? asked the mother in law?
This is my love dress. the daughter in law replied
Love Dress?? You're naked said the mother in law
But my husband loves it when I wear the dress
It makes him happy and he makes me happy said the daughter in law
He will be home any minute now so perhaps you could stop by a little
later.
Soured by all the romantic stuff the mother in law left . On the way
home she thought about the Love Dress. and got an idea. She undressed ,
showered, applied her best perfume and waited by the door for her husband to
come home.
Finally his pickup truck drove up the drive way.
Her husband opened the door and immediately saw his naked wife.
What are you doing? he asked
This is my love dress she said excitedly.
Needs ironing, he replied.

---

THE PHARMACIST

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide? The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy - I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

---

A Wish for All of the Difficult People

in Your Life

 

---

 

 

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

 

~*~*~

 

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor
or pharmacist about Tequila..

Tequila. is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident
about yourself and your actions. Tequila. can help ease you out
of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and
willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Tequila. almost immediately, and
with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles
that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will
discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start
living, with Tequila..

Tequila. may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant
or nursing should not use Tequila.. However, women who wouldn't
mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting,
incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control,
loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity,
delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache,
dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke
and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker,
Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

 

Tequila.: Leave Shyness Behind!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

 

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free." Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why?

 

Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.

 

---

 

<< A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She
>
>
> was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but
>
>
> knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
>
> newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One
>
>
> was gay and the other a drunk.
>
>
>
> She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
>
> decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
>
> around the house than the drunk.
>
>
>
> He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and
>
>
> knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the
>
>
> ranch was doing very well.
>
>
>
> Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have
>
>
> done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into
>
>
> town and kick up your heels."
>
>
>
> The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
>
>
> One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no
>
>
> hired hand.
>
>
>
>
>
>
> He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found
>
>
> the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting
>
> for him. She quietly called him over to her.
>
>
>
> "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
>
>
>
> Trembling, he did as she directed.
>
>
>
> "Now take off my boots."
>
>
>
> He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
>
>
>
> "Now take off my socks."
>
>
>
> He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
>
>
>
> "Now take off my skirt."
>
>
>
> He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
>
>
>
> "Now take off my bra."
>
>
>
> Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the
>
> floor.
>
>
>
> "Now," she said, "take off my panties."
>
>
>
> By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.
>
>
>
> Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into
>
>
> town again, you're fired." >>

---

Subject: Fw: dress code for peple around 50 or more

 

don't forget to check out the picture, lol

 

SENIOR DRESS CODE

Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 50, WAY over
50, or hovering near 50) are quite confused about how we
should present ourselves. We are unsure about the kind of
image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct
as we try to Conform to current fashions. Despite what you
may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO
NOT go together And should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker

And last, but not least...my personal favorite

13. Thongs and Depends

---

Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down....by David Letterman

10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..

6. Elvis is leaving the building.

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.


And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....

1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.

 

 

---

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

---

Yoga - East Indian vs. Irish style

These men are professionals... do not try this at home!

---

 

Alabama Girls

Three Men were sitting together, bragging about how they had given

duties to their new wives.

The first man had married a woman from

California, and bragged that he had told her she was going to do all the

dishes and all the house cleaning that needed to be done at their house.

he said that it took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home

to a clean house and all the dishes washed and put away. The

second man had married a woman from Texas. He bragged that he had given

his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the

cooking. He told them that the first day, he didn't see any

results...... but the next day it was better. By the third day, his

house was cleaned, dishes were done and he had a huge meal on the table.

The third man had married an Alabama girl. He boasted that he had told her that her

duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,

laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the

first day, he didn't see anything.... the second day, he didn't see

anything, but by the third day, most of the swelling had gone down and

he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite

to eat, load the dishwasher and call a landscaper.

Got to love those Alabama women.

 

---

My wife and I had an argument over whether or not I should have a vasectomy so we said we'd let the kids decide.

I lost 13 - 12.

 

---

Signs of the times

lots of pictures so on a separate page

 

---

N THE COURSE

OF

 

HUMAN EVENTS

 

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Woody Allen

 

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia

 

 

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns

 

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone

 

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

 

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

 

 

 

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

 

 

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

 

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal

 

 

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro

 

 

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman

 

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'."
Jerry Seinfeld

 

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

 

" It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers

 

" Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
Steve Martin

 

 

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Elmo Phillips

 

 

" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde

 

 

" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns

---

Ø MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

 

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS &STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

 

Ø My favorite.........

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

---

GOVERNMENTIUM:

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the
heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named
"Governmentium." Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons,
75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an
atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces
called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like
particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be
detected because it impedes every action with which it comes into
contact. A second's worth of exposure to Governmentium will cause any
action to take four hundred times longer to complete, and cost five
times as much.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but
instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, governmentium's
mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will
cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This
characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that
Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in
concentration. This hypothetical
quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (aka
Bureaucratium) - an element which radiates as much energy as the
Governmentium, but has half as many peons and twice as many morons.

---

Subject: things to ponder safe to read

Things to ponder . . .

 

Life is sexually transmitted.
Good Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day;
teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession.
I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and,
when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground,
and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

---

Subject: FW: An important decision





>Subject: An important decision
>
>This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By
>giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
>
>The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which
>you will have to make a decision.
>
>Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
>
>Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to the problem
>posed by the situation.
>*********************************************************
>
>You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you

>caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of
>disastrous proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major
>newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The
>situation is nearly hopeless.
>
>You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and
>people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature
>is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
>
>Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his

>life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer . .
>. somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is.
>
>It's George W. Bush!
>
>At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take
>him under... forever. You have two options--you can save the life of
>G. W. Bush or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo,
>documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men.
>
>So here's the question, and please give an honest answer :
>
>
>Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the
>classic simplicity of black & white?

---

Avid fisherman

---

Thanks to Robert Eaves for these:

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can
track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where
she sleeps in the state of Washington, and they tracked her calves to their
stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering
around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just
give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked
for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse?
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery",
and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians!
It creates a hostile work environment!

And last but not least . .
George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart
"Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. Simpson and Kobe
Bryant are still walking around; Osama bin Laden too, but they take the one
woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and haul her
ass off to jail."

 

---

Thanks to Ed Warysh for this one.

 

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water
temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the 1500s:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May
and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell
so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the
custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had
the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then
the women and finally the children-last of all the babies. By then the water
was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't
throw the baby out with the bath"
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.
It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and
other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became
slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence
the saying "It's raining cats and dogs"
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a
real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess
up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over
the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into
existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence
the saying "dirt poor".
The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet,
so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As
the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the
door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the
entranceway. Hence the saying a "thresh hold."
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always
hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot.
They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the
stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then
start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been
there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge in the pot nine
days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When
visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a
sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a
little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content
caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning,
often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were
considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the
loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes
knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would
take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the
kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and
eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom
holding a "wake."
England is old and small and the local folks started running out places to
bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a
"bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25
coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized
they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string
on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the
ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard
all night he "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could
be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer." And that's the
truth...

---

CORPORATE LESSON

 

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 PM when he found the CEO
standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen,"
said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document and my
secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly, Sir" said the
young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed
the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the
machine. "I just need one copy."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.

Thanks to Ed Warysh!

 

 

---

Subject: : An intelligent Blond joke

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says," I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk"
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

---

Subject: Fw: Britain rethinks 1776, wants its colony back.

 

 

 

>
>
> Revocation of independence
>
> Britain rethinks 1776, wants its colony back.
>
> Dateline: Sunday, February 20, 2005
>
> attributed to John Cleese
>
> To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your
> failure to elect a competent President of the USA, and thus to govern
> yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
> effective today.
>
> Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
> over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
>
> Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
>
> Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.
> 85
> percent of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
> outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need
> for further elections.
>
> Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
>
>
>
> You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
> but
> only after raising your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
>
> A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of
> you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
> following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
>
> 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
>
> Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
> amazed
> at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
>
> The letter "U" will be reinstated in words such as "favour" and
> "neighbour"; skipping the letter "U" is nothing more than laziness on your
> part. Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half
> the letters.
>
> You will end your love affair with the letter "Z" (pronounced "zed" not
> "zee") and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
>
> You will learn that the suffix "burgh" is pronounced "burra" e.g.
> Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as "Pittsberg" if you
> can't cope with correct pronunciation.
>
> Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
> "vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler
> noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and
> inefficient form of communication.
>
> Look up "interspersed."
>
> There will be no more "bleeps" in The Daily Show. If you're not old enough
> to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you
> learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language
> as often.
>
> 2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on
> your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account
> of the reinstated letter "u" and the elimination of "-ize."
>
> 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
> really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,
> upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in "Frasier").
>
> You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish
> dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
>
> While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such
> place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you
> persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires"
> e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
>
> 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
> good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play
> English characters.
>
> British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be
> re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't
> cope
> with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
>
> 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
> but only after fully carrying out task number one (above). We would not
> want you to get confused and give up half way through.
>
> 6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of
> football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
> game.
>
> The 2.15 percent of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
> borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You
> will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
> football.
>
> Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
> difficult
> game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
> (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping
> for
> a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
> nancies).
>
> We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2008.
>
> You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event
> called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of
> America. Since only 2.15 percent of you are aware that there is a world
> beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball,
> you
> will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball
> without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards, or hotdogs.
>
> 7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer
> be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a
> vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to
> handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish
> to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
>
> 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
> national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
>
> 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your
> own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
>
> All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
> driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
> metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
> Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of
> humour.
>
> 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call "French
> fries"
> are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though
> 97.85
> percent of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe)
> are
> not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling
> potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and
> fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which
> should be served warm and flat.
>
> Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
>
> 11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
> tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
> doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
>
> 12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually
> beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter
> will
> be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted
> provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known
> as
> "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's
> Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser
> company
> whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This
> will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the
> Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
>
> 13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you
> will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2006) prices with the
> former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA
> and
> the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US
> gallon - get used to it).
>
> 14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers
> or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
> that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be
> handled
> by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
> someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to
> handle a gun.
>
> 15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
>
> 16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly
> to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
>
> Thank you for your co-operation.
>
> John Cleese is a famous British actor. He is known best for his Monty
> Python skits and the BBC series, Fawlty Towers.
>
> Related addresses:
>
> URL 1: www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/d/declarationrevocation.htm
>
>
>
>
>
> \\\|///
> \\ - - //
> ( @ @ )
> ---oOOo-(_)-oOOo-------------------------------------------
>
> I can still smell on your breath the other people's rules you swallowed
> whole
> so long ago. (Lee Lozano)
> Si la théorie de Darwin était vraie, il y a longtemps que les
> créationnistes auraient disparu. (Yvon Corbeil)
> The most serious threat to democracy is the notion that it has already
> been achieved. (unknown)
> A Criminal is a person with predatory instincts without sufficient
> capital to form a corporation. (Clarence Darrow)
> I've never seen a situation so dismal that a policeman couldn't make it
> worse. (Brendan Behan)
> It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established
> authorities
> are wrong. (Voltaire)
> A patriot must be willing to defend his country from his government.
> (Edward Abbey)
> The most important things are not things. (unknown)
>
> VENI, VIDI, VELCRO --I came, I saw, I stuck around.
>
>
> --------------Oooo-----------------------------------------
> oooO ( )
> ( ) ) /
> \ ( (_/
> \_)
>
> Conformément aux normes environnementales, ce courriel est composé
> d'électrons recyclés
>
>
>
>

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link to older selection:

2004 collection

 

2000 collection

98a

98 parts b