2014-2017 collection, Humour Page

 

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heard a good one lately please send it to jokes@newmantools.com

updated June 2017

 

 

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

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A wealthy man told his wife that he had always heard about how when you died that you couldn't take your money with you.

He told his wife he would devised a plan to take his money with him.

He told her that he was going to put his money in a bag, stash it in the attic and grab it on his way up to heaven.

So after his death his wife went up to the attic and the bag of money was still there.

The wife said, "I knew he should have put the money in the basement."

 

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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained,

"Lord have mercy!

I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law?

I'll lose my license!

They'll throw both of us in jail!

All kinds of bad things will happen.

Absolutely not!

You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

"You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

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BLACK TESTICLES

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir.

I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them,

Sir!' The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly...... 'Thank you very much.

That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

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Two elderly ladies, Esther and Agnes, residents at a home for the aged, enjoyed tea together every afternoon.

One afternoon, Esther asked Agnes "Do you ever still think about sex?".

"Well...yes...sometimes." answered Agnes.

"What do you do then?" asked Esther.

"Oh, I usually just suck a lifesaver, and try to forget about it.", said Agnes.

"Well!", said Esther with a quizzical expression.

"And who drives you down to the beach??"

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Since Halloween is around the corner:

Top 6 Reasons Why Trick or Treating is Better than Sex*

1. You never know what you will get.

2. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

3. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

4. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.

5. If you wear your Batman mask, no-one thinks you're kinky

6. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door!

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A man goes into the confession booth and tells the priest, “Father I am seventy years old and last night I made love to three twenty-one year old girls – at the same time.”
“When did you last go to confession?” the priest asked.
The man said, “I have never been to confession as I am Jewish.”
“Then why are you telling me?’
The man answered, “Are you kidding? I am telling everybody.”

 

A woman and her eight year old daughter were walking along a country road when they saw a stallion mounting a mare.
“Mommy, what are those horses doing?” said the little girl.
The mother stuttered a moment before she came up with a creative answer. ‘the horse on top hurt his hoof so the one underneath is helping him back to the barn.”
The little girl shook her head and said, “T hat’s the same way it is with people. You try to help somebody and you end up getting screwed.”

 

A young man wanted to make sure his virgin bride’s sexual inexperience would not be a cause of any tension or trouble on their honeymoon.
He explained to her that he did not want her to feel pressure into having sex with him – wanted it to be her choice.
The bride thought it was a great and loving gesture.
He kissed her on the nose. “As a matter of fact, my dear, I have created a code so that when we are in bed, you can tell me whether or not you want to have sex.
Here is how it works: When you want sex, pull my penis once, and if you do not want sex pull my penis two hundred times.”

 

There was a woman who was quite morbidly obese.
She is so big that one day her behind gets stuck in the toilet. She struggles and struggles but cannot get herself out.
She yells to her husband Ralph, “Get me out of here”.
Ralph runs to see her but quickly realizes there is little he can do.
Finally he gives up and tells her the only thing that can be done is to call a plumber to take the toilet apart.
A few minutes later the plumber pulls into the driveway.
The woman suddenly realizes she has no pants on and tells her husband: “Hurry give me something to cover up.”
The husband thinks fast and gives her his yarmulke which she puts over her ‘private area”.
The plumber opens the bathroom door and turns to the husband and says; “Well I think I can get your wife out, but I am pretty sure the rabbi is a goner.”

 

A gorgeous woman up to a bar. She alluringly calls the barman who drops everything and comes over to her.
When he arrives, he seductively pulls him to her. He leans his face close to hers and begins to gently caress his full bushy beard.
“Are you the manager?” she says softly stroking his face with both hands.
“Actually, no,” he replies.
“I need to tell him something.” She says pouting, running her hands up through his beard and his hair. “Can you get him for me.”
“I am afraid I cannot.” breathes the barman.
He is clearly aroused. “Is there anything I can do for you?”
“Yes there is. I need you to give him a message.”
She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
“Tell him there is not toilet paper in the ladies room.”

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OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!  
 
      
An 85-year-old man was  requested by his  Doctor for a sperm count as  part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave  the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a  semen sample
tomorrow.' 

The  next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and  gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty  as on the  previous day.  

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's  like this -- first tried with my right hand, but  nothing.  Then I tried with my left hand, but still  nothing. 

'Then I asked my wife for help.  She  tried with her right hand, then with her  left, still nothing.  She tried with her mouth,  first with the teeth in,then with her teeth out, still  nothing. 

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door  and she tried too, first with  both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried  squeezin' it between her knees, but still  nothing..'

The doctor was shocked! 

'You asked your  neighbor?'   

The old  man replied,  

'Yep, none of us could get  the jar  open.
________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Irish Medical Dictionary


The Irish have the lowest stress rate
because they do not take medical terminology seriously ...

Medical Term/Irish Definition

Artery - The study of paintings    
Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria

Barium - What doctors do when patients die

Benign - What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section - A neighbourhood in Rome

Cat scan - Searching for Kitty

Cauterize - Made eye contact with her

Colic - A sheep dog

Coma - A punctuation mark

Dilate - To live long

Enema - Not a friend

Fester - Quicker than someone else

Fibula - A small lie

Impotent - Distinguished, well known

Labour Pain - Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane

Morbid - A higher offer

Nitrates - Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
Normally more money than Days

Node - I knew it

Outpatient - A person who has fainted

Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative - A letter carrier

Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery

Rectum - Nearly killed him

Secretion - Hiding something

Seizure - Roman Emperor

Tablet - A small table

Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport

Tumour - One plus one more

Urine - Opposite of you're out

__________________________________________________________________________
For some men, these jokes are about their biggest asset or most important tool!

Two 8 year old boys are lying on hospital stretchers, next to each other, waiting to be operated on.
First one asks the other "What are you in for?".
The second one nervously replies:  "Getting my tonsils out".
The first one responds: "Do not worry....you will get spoiled after the operation...lots of Jello and ice cream."
The second boy ask the first boy: " So what are you in for?"
"A circumcision"
The second boy says: " I had it at BIRTH. It took me a year before I could walk."
____________________________________________________________________________

A grandson visits his 95 year old grandfather at the hospital.
The grandson asks:  "How is the food?" "How are you sleeping?" "Are the nurses taking good care of you?"
Grandfather answers: "Great! Food is amazing and I sleep like a baby." "Every night the nurse gives me a hot chocolate and  a Viagra."
Shocked, the grandson goes to the nursing department and asks what is going on.
The nurse on duty replies: hot chocolate puts him to sleep while the Viagra stops him from falling out of bed!"

 

 

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Here is some Holiday Humor that you may not have heard:
HE REMEMBERS 
 
A couple was in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing, and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his cell phone.

The wife said "Where are you"? You know we have lots to do."

He said, "Do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with a diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you."

Little tears started to flow down her cheek, and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.

"Well, I'm in the Hooters next to that store." 

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OH BROTHER!
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE! AND AN XBOX 360! AND I PRAY FOR THE NEW IRON MAN COMIC BOOK!"
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

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BAD PARROT
A young man named John received a parrot as a  Christmas gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.

John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

 For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?

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Why It Is Great To Be A Guy....Do you Agree??

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

2. Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter.
3. Old friends don't care if you lost or gained weight.
4. Dry cleaners and haircutters do not rob you blind.
5. Your last name stays put.
6. You can kill your own food.
7. The garage is all yours.
8. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
9.  Wedding plans take care of themselves.
10 Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
11. You do not have to shave below the neck.
12. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.

She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 

'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. 

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!

Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!

We need more butter.

Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?

They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!

You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!

Turn them! Hurry up!

Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' 

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' 

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

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Rules For Dating My Daughter

# 1 If you pull into my driveway and honk, you better be delivering a package because for sure you are not picking up anything.

# 2 You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so as you do, DO  NOT  peer at anything below the neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them for you.

# 3 I know it is "fashionable" for boys of your age to wear their pants so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. I think that is "stupid". Still I want to be fair and open-minded. Therefore I propose a compromise: you may come to the door with underwear showing and your pants 5 sizes too big. That is okay. However to make sure that your clothes do not come off while you on   your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your pants securely in place to your waist. Deal??

# 4 As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my "angel" to appear, and more than an hour goes by do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for things do NOT date. My "angel" is taking her time putting on makeup, which for some reason can take a long time. So instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful like shovel the snow or mow the lawn?? 

 

 

 

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