2009 Humour Page

2008 collection, links to older pages

heard a good one lately please send it to jokes@newmantools.com

updated Jan 2010

Thanks to my regular contributors, Jaz, Hanna, Pat, Dave, Barbara and others without names

 

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 Never Argue with a Woman

 One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides
 to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides
to  take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and
reads
her
 book.

 Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the
woman
and
 says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
 'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

 'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her  'I'm sorry,
officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
 'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at  any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

 'For reading a book?' she replies,
 'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,  'I'm
sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
 'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at  any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

 'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says
the  woman.
 'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
 'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you
could  start at any moment.'

 'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

 MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also
think.

 

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Putting your affairs in order.....


      The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad
       news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

       The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walked
       into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

       'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we
       celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't
       well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

       After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber.
       There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually
       approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious
       as to what the two were celebrating.

       The woman told her 20 friends they were drinking to her impending
       end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

       The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and
       beat a hasty retreat.

       After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and
       whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer,
      and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do
       that??'

       'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your
       father  after I'm gone.'


       And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In
     Order.'

 

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One night of bar hopping a man picks up a women and takes her home,
he gets her into his bedroom and dropps his pants, the woman looks at
nobby knees and exclaims, my lord what happened to your knees?
the man replies, when I was young I had kneesles.
The woman asks, don;t you me measles and the man says, No kneesles.
Next he removes his socks, and the women sees these knarled up toes.
She asks, what the hecks with your toes, the man says...um,
toesleidise, the woman
say don't you mean tonsilidise, he says no toesleidise. Then he drops
his underwear,
the woman says let me guess...SMALLCOX

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Plumber with sense of Humour

 

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   Yiddish Humor


    Shmuel had a bad car accident involving a large truck.

   

    Weeks later, in court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Shmuel.

    "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?"  asked the lawyer.
   

    Shmuel responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I just put my dog Moishele, into the..."

    "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "  Just answer the question."  Did you not say, at the  scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

    Shmuel said, "Vell, I just got Moishele into the car and vas driving down the road...."

    "The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am  trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the  accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after  the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he  is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

    By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Shmuel's  answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he  has to say about his dog Moishele."

    Shmuel thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Vell, like I  vas saying, I just loaded Moishele, my lovely hundteleh (dog), into the car and vas driving him down the highway  when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign  and smacked my truck right in the side. I vas thrown into  one ditch and Moishele vas thrown into the other. I vas  hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I  heard Moishele moaning and groaning. I knew he vas  in terrible shape just by his groans.

    Den a Highway Patrolman came along. He could hear  Moishele moaning and groaning so he vent over to him.

    After he looked at him, and saw vat terrible condition  Moishele was in, he took out his gun and shoots him  between the eyes. Den the Patrolman comes across
the road, gun still in hand, looks at me and says, "How you feeling?"

    "Nu, Judge, vat vould you say?"

.

www.newmantools.com/humour

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5 Minutes Management Course

 

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'


After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.


The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'



Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Lesson 2:


A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'


Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4


An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up




Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:
Bull S **t  might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..



Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh ** s on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of s ** t is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep s ** t, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

www.newmantools.com/humour

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The barber

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

While her dad gets his hair cut, she stands right next to the barber chair, eating a Hostess snack cake.

The barber says to her, "You know, sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."

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 Cough Syrup

So, the owner of this drug store walks in to find this guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with the guy over there by the wall?"

  

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

 

The owner says, "YOU IDIOT! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"

 

The clerk says, "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"

 

 

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Religious views of life

1. ZEN - Shit happens.

2. BUDDHISM - If shit happens, it isn't really shit.

3. HINDUISM - This shit has happened before.

4. ISLAM - If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.

5. CONFUCIANISM - Confucius say, shit happens.

6. CATHOLICISM - If shit happens, it's our fault.

7. JUDAISM - Why does this shit always happen to US?

8. PROTESTANTISM - Please let this shit happen to someone else...

9. ATHEISM - Shit happens for no reason.

10. AGNOSTICISM - What is this shit?

11. RASTAFARIANISM - This is good shit, mon.

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What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?

A crazy bitch who will find you!

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They're back! Church Bulletins. Thank God for church ladies with
typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were
announced in church services:

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the St. Martin's Church. Please use
large double door at the side entrance.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight
"Searching for Jesus."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a
conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone
who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help
they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of
Father Jack's sermons.

The Priest will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing
"Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So

ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will

follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminums cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person
you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.

Pot luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be
seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from
the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend
him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the
back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The Priest unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: I
Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"

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Resting places—with a flare?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little
bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE.

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section
in a swimming pool?

OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa
Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee
Titans?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys
it?

There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he
become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland
called Holes?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two
cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to
begin with?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives
a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it
be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and
forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the
postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
others here for?

No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went
nuts.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

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A market researcher came to a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her.

 

He asked her if she minded replying to his questions, and when she agreed he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds.

 

When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline, and she certainly knew of that product.

 

When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes."

 

When asked how she used it, she said, "To assist sexual intercourse."

 

The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone who uses our product always tell me they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?"

 

.

.

.

.

.

 

"Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out." 

 

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Convent

Mother Superior gathers up all the nuns in the convent and says,
"I have to tell all of you something. We now have a case of gonorrheA in
the convent!"

A blonde nun at the back says, "thank God, I am SO tired of the Chardonnay."

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Not so dumb

 

A young boy entered a barber shop, and the barber whispered to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch, while I prove it to you.

The barber put a dollar in one hand, and two quarters in the other, then called the boy over and asked, "Which do you want, son?”
The boy took the quarters and left. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "Dumb as dirt... the kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer left, he saw the same boy come out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the
quarters instead of the dollar?"

The boy licked his ice cream cone and replied, "Because the day I take  the dollar, the game's over!"

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WORDS WOMEN USE

 

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. 

 

FIVE MINUTES

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

 

NOTHING 

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

 

GO AHEAD

This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

 

LOUD SIGH 

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men.  A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing" 

 

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

 

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome. 

 

Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology!

 

www.newmantools.com/humour

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After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided
to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senhor, I would like the
world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the
shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me
'The King of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain
spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."

The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The
other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking
a Molson's?" The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys
aren't drinking beer, neither would I. I am Canadian!"

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Harper (Conservative), Ignatieff (Liberal), and Layton (New Democratic Party) are flying on the Executive Airbus to a gathering in British Columbia when Harper turns to Ignatieff and says, chuckling, "You know, I could throw a $1000 bill out the window right now and make someone very happy."

 

Ignatieff shrugs and replies, "Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten people happy." Not to be outdone, Layton says, "Well I could throw a hundred $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy."

 

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses back there. I could throw all three of them out the window and make 32 million people happy."

 

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Three Men were sitting together, bragging about how they had given duties to
their new wives.

The first man had married a woman from California. He bragged that he had
told her she was going to do all the dishes and all the house cleaning that
needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days, but
on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes washed and
put away.

The second man had married a woman from Texas. He bragged that he had given
his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the
cooking. He told them that the first day, he didn't see any results......
but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was cleaned,
dishes were done and he had a huge meal on the table.

The third man had married an Alabama girl. He boasted that he had told her
that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first
day, he didn't see anything.... the second day, he didn't see anything, but
by the third day, most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a
little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the
dishwasher and call a landscaper.

Got to love those Alabama women.

 

www.newmantools.com/humour

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Things to do at Wal-Mart While your significant other is taking his/her
sweet time shopping:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts when they
aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in house wares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor from the kitchenware department
to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3 in
housewares,"... and see what happens.
5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll
only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "Why can't
you people just leave me alone?"
9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick
your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows
where the antidepressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from
"Mission Impossible".
12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size
funnels.
13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say "PICK
ME!PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal
position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again".
And last but certainly not least...
15. Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly, "Hey...We're out of
toiletpaper in here!"

 

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Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.

 

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

 

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and  asks:

"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

 

 

The woman replies, "It's Norman. The midget."

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A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Jim, Tom and Susie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.



It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.







So, they buried Susie..... 

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 $40,000 Funeral 
  
  
Jim died.

His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sharon turned to her oldest and dearest friend. 'Well, I'm sure Jim would be pleased,' she said.

'I'm sure you're right,' replied Brenda, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. 'How much did this really cost?'

'All of it,' said  Sharon . 'Forty thousand.'

'No!' Brenda exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?'

Sharon answered, 'The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.'

Brenda computed quickly. '$32,500 for a Memorial Stone?

How big is it?'

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A 75 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical
examination and a few days after the doctor saw him
walking down the street with a stunning young lady on
his arm and a huge smile on this face. A couple more
days passed and the elderly man returned to the doctor’s
surgery.
After an examination the doctor wrote out a prescription
and said, “You’re really doing well aren’t you?” to
which the patient replied, “Just doing what you said
doctor - ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful’. That’s
what you told me and that’s what I’ve done”. Actually I
said, “You’ve got a heart murmur and be careful. Now
while you’re here, why don’t we check your hearing
....?”.

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For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'  

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'

Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out.  Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!

---

Check your kids' homework ...

Dear Mrs. Jones,

I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer. I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit.  I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it.    Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole.  It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.

From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in. 

Sincerely,
Mrs.  Smith

 

 

 

2008 Humour Page

www.newmantools.com/humour

 

heard a good one lately please send it to

spamfilter1 "at" newmantools " dot" com ( this is to avoid the robots collecting email addresses )

updated June 2008

 

 

Thanks to my regular contributors, Jaz, Hanna, Boris ,Stuellis, Serena, Will, Laurie, Robin, Bill, Bob & Sarah,

---

---
25 YEARS OF MARRIAGE..........

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said,
"Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa
bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night
with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed
and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems
to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25
year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living
in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life
crises....

www.newmantools.com/humour

---

 

 

A Monastic Chuckle

 

A young monk arrives at the monastery.

He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws

of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from

the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that

if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be

picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent

copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,

but you make a good point, my son."

 

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original

manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened

for hundreds of years.

 

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried

and goes down to look for him.

 

He finds him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the

"R" ! , we missed the "R" !"

 

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The

young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

 

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...

 

CELEBRATE

----

www.newmantools.com/humour

---

Are you A Cowboy

 

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows,

going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring

calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my

dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

 

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As

soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think

about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women

when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

 

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and

asked,

"Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was,

But I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

----www.newmantools.com/humour

---

 

Blonde Cowboy

 

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy

coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots

So the sheriff arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like

this?

Cowboy: " Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and

this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with

her....and I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt,..so

I did....

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants..So I did...

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...So I

did...

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of funny and says: "Now go to

town cowboy...."

So here I am.

----www.newmantools.com/humour

---

 

Differences

 

A psychologist was discussing the differences between men and women and

arrived at the topic of a "special evening" and things that please each sex.

After a detailed

discussion with his colleagues, he arrived at the following:

 

For women, a man should:

 

Show up with candy and flowers.

Complement hair, dress and perfume.

Take her out to a romantic candlelight dinner.

Make sure dinner conversation revolves around her.

Cap the evening with champaign and soft music.

Hugs and kisses ...

 

 

For a man, a woman should:

 

 

Show up naked; Bring beer!

-----

www.newmantools.com/humour

---

The Preacher's Ass

 

A preacher who wanted to raise money for his church was told there

was a

fortune in horse racing, so he decided to buy a horse and enter it

in the

races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses

was so steep

that the preacher ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured,

however, that

since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the

races.

 

 

To his surprise, in the first race, his donkey came in second. The

next day

the paper read:

 

 

PREACHERS ASS SHOWS

 

 

The preacher was so pleased that he entered the donkey in another

race. This

time it won, and the paper read:

 

 

PREACHERS ASS OUT IN FRONT

 

 

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered

the

preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The new headline

read:

 

 

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHERS ASS

 

 

This was too much for the Bishop, and he ordered the preacher to

get rid of

the animal. The preacher, being a charitable chap, gave it to a

nun in a

nearby convent. The headline the next day said:

 

 

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

 

 

The Bishop fainted! He told the nun that she would have to dispose

of the

donkey, and she finally found a farmer who would take it off her

hands for ten bucks. The paper said:

 

 

NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS

 

 

They buried the Bishop the next day....

-----

www.newmantools.com/humour

---

 

 

 

 

 

Camping with The Lone Ranger

 

 

 

 

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent, and

are asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend.

"Tonto, look up and tell me what you see." Tonto replies, "Me see millions

of stars." What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger.

 

 

Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there

are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to

be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord

is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it

seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"

 

 

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Tonto, you Dumb Ass,

someone has stolen our tent!"

 

www.newmantools.com/humour

---

 

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of live frogs. The sign says: 'SEX FROGS' Only $20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!' As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions! The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.

2. Splash on some nice perfume. 3.

Slip into a very sexy nightie.

4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions ... Please call the pet store.'

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her door bell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions, but the damn frog just SITS there!'

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and STERNLY says: 'LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE ... MORE ... TIME!!!'

www.newmantools.com/humour

---

 

A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores. 'Not yet,' said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

 

Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow, and when he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.

 

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. 'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.

 

'Well,' his mother say's, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk.'

 

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, 'You gonna' tell him or should I?'

www.newmantools.com/humour

---

www.newmantools.com/humour

---

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE REMEDIES

 

1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

www.newmantools.com/humour

---

the Sister

 

The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as

you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so."

 

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her,
"Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two
words."

 

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

 

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

 

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest.
"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."

 

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food

would be better in the future.

 

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine

in to his office. "You may say two words today."

 

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

 

"It's probably best," said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."

www.newmantools.com/humour

---

> _______________
>
> The Sensitive Man
>
> A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
>
> They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
>
> There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
>
> It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
>
> There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
>
> She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking,
>
> 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
>
> Maybe he could be the future father of my children? She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
>
> He responds warmly.
>
> They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she
> has ever known.

> After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
> "Well, how was it?"
>
> The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says...

 

> "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"

www.newmantools.com/humour

---

Wal-Mart

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

 

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her.What does she look like?"

"The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.

hat does your wife look like?" To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."

 

www.newmantools.com/humour

---

The Weshman and the Englishman

 

A Welshman and an Englishman were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.

After a while the Englishman says to the Welshman, "If I was to sneak over to your house and bed your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"

The Welshman crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about being related, but it would make us even."

www.newmantools.com/humour

---

Hockey Sensation

The NJ DEVILS foreign scout flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play hockey in the new American sponsored league and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to the US.

The DEVILS sign him to a one year contract and the kid joins the team for the preseason.

Two weeks later the DEVILS are down 4-0 to the Rangers with only 10 minutes left. The coach gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in. The kid is a sensation - scores 5 goals in 10 minute s and wins the game!

When the player comes off the ice he phones his mom to tell her about his first day of NHL hockey. "Hello mom, guess what?" he says.

"I played for 10 minutes today, we were 4-0 down, but I scored 5 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mom, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time, playing a game."

The young Iraqi is v ery upset. "What can I say mom, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry? You're Sorry?" says his mom. "It's your fault we moved to Newark in the first place."
_________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

Simply intended to make you SMILE !!!!!!

Me in E.A.

********************************************************************************************

 

 

This is what sad looks like.

 

 

This is what sorry looks like.

 

 

This is what bad spelling looks like.

 

 

 

This is what intimacy looks like.

 

 

 

This is what deaf looks like.

 

 

This is what stupid looks like.

 

 

 

 

This is what 'oh shit' looks like.

 

 

 

This is what your tax dollars look like.

 

This is what 'I can wait' looks like.

 

 

 

This is what a Nightmare looks like.

 

This is what a blonde's car looks like.

 

 

 

This is what 'I thought your husband was out of town' looks like.

 

It doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it made you smile, your friends will smile too!

 

---- www.newmantools.com/humour

---

A WINTER STATISTIC

 

98% OF CANADIANS SAY 'OH SHIT' JUST BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.

THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM QUEBEC AND THEY SAY, 'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS.'

---- www.newmantools.com/humour

---

The Perennial Problem

 

MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH

A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants.

This is being considered a major break-through and will solve a perennial problem.

The perennial problem: Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

 

---- www.newmantools.com/humour

---

the coffin

Late one dark and rainy night a man was walking home alone when he hears a.......

 

BUMP...

 

BUMP...

 

BUMP... behind him.

 

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright
coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him

 

 

BUMP...

 

 

 

BUMP...

 

 

BUMP...

 

 

 

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home,
the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ....

 

faster...

 

 

 

faster...

 

 

 

BUMP...

 

 

BUMP....

 

 

BUMP.

 

 

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door,
rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the coffin crashes through his
door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ...

 

 

clappity-BUMP! ....

 

 

clappity-BUMP...

 

 

clappity-BUMP...

 

 

clappity-BUMP...

 

 

on the heels of the terrified man....
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is
pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. .

 

 

With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the
door. Bumping and clapping towards him.
The man screams and reaches for something heavy, anything ....

 

 

 

his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of
ROBITUSSIN .

 

 

 

Desperate, he throws the Robitussin as
hard as he can at the apparition,

 

 

and...

 

 

the coffin stops.

 

---- www.newmantools.com/humour

 

---

Plastic surgery

 

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before
leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but
how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply."

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter
girl the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug
store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get
some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting
next to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I
was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It
sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under
your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he
gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs
them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says,
"Okay, okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could
you tell?" The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't" she says.

"I was behind you at McDonalds."

 

 

---- www.newmantools.com/humour

---

Lousiana Logic

A man who just died is delivered to a Louisiana mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

Boudreaux the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives Boudreaux a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, just have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. The suit fits him perfectly. She says to Boudreaux, "Whatever the suit cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, Boudreaux presents her with the blank check. "Dere's no charge," he says. "No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," Boudreaux says, "it didn't cost me a ting. You see a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."

"So, I just switched the heads."

 

---- www.newmantools.com/humour

---

A Jew & 2 Arabs

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the
other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, an old Jewish man sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Jew kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was
settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and
get a coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Jew, 'I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for
you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the man's shoe and spat
in it.
When the old man returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That
looks good, I'd really like one, too.'
Again, the old man obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the man's other shoe and
spat in it.
When the old man returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As
the plane was landing, the old Jew slipped his feet into his shoes and
knew immediately what had happened.
'Why does it have to be this way?' he asked.
'How long must this go on?
This fighting between our nations?
This hatred?
This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'
When will it end?

---- www.newmantools.com/humour

---

Why men are not allowed to write advice columns

 

WALTER'S PROBLEM PAGE

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make-up.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the makeup, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Mrs. Sheila Smith

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter

 

---- www.newmantools.com/humour

---

home depot

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.

At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Walt , the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?"

Walt replied, "That's silver and it costs $300."

"My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, " Mary , you wanna screw for that hinge?"

Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.

---- www.newmantools.com/humour

---

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

 

 

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said

that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and

screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She

pushed her knee and screamed;

likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she

touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

 

---- www.newmantools.com/humour

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Box Donation

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked

over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

 

---- www.newmantools.com/humour

---

 

Q . What does HMO stand for?

A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY
> MOE ." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe
> of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient
> could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was
> poked hard enough in the eye.


Q . I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be
> to choose the doctor I want?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your
> parents . Your insurer will provide you with a book
> listing all the doctors in the plan . The doctors
> basically fall into two categories: those who are no
> longer accepting new patients, and those who will see
> you but are no longer participating in the plan . But
> don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the
> plan and accepting new patients has an office just a
> half-day's drive away and a diploma from a third world
> country.


Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require
> pre-certification?

A. No. Only those you need.


Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?

A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any
> treatment.


Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms
> of medicine?

A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.


Q . My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but
> I need the name brand . I tried the generic
> medication, but it gave me a stomachache. What should
> I do?

A. Poke yourself in the eye .


Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?

A . You really shouldn't do that .


Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor
> insists he can handle my problem . Can a general
> practitioner really perform a heart transplant right
> in his/her office?

A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're
> risking is the $20 co-payment, there's no harm in
> giving it a shot .


Q . Will health care be different in the next
> decade?

A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an
> appointment by then.


To Your Good Health (because as you'll see, you'll
> need it !)

>
>

---- www.newmantools.com/humour

---

The Blonde joke to end all blonde jokes

>
> A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her
> little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman
> police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop
> asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug
> through her purse and was getting progressively more
> agitated. What does it look like?" she finally asked.
> The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your
> picture on it." The driver finally found a square
> mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to
> the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde
> officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back
> saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a
> cop"

---- www.newmantools.com/humour

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The Party

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were home in the driveway during the middle of the day. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow, Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the mailman comments.

Bob, in obvious pain replies, "Actually, we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?"

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom, and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

---- www.newmantools.com/humour

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the Bible

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and asked his father if
they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B
average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about
the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the
offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You
brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your
Bible, but I'm real disappointed you didn't get your hair cut."

The young man was ready for the question. "You know, Dad," he said, " I've
been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that
Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair
and Jesus had long hair."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere
they went?"

---- www.newmantools.com/humour

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no sex since 1955

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a
local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young,
idealistic ladies in attendance, one of them approached the Sergeant
Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.
Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,
"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take
this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took
his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded
to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest
and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact
voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now!!!!"

---- www.newmantools.com/humour

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Country Funeral

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen, " "Praise the Lord," and "Glory"! I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations. I closed the lengthy service with a prayer, and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years".

---- www.newmantools.com/humour

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Signs

 

Over a Gynaecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
*************************************

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon :
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"

****************************************

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
**************************

At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
**************************

Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

**************************

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
"However, if you don't, you will be."

**************************

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
" Best place in town to take a leak."

---- www.newmantools.com/humour

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Kids and grandparents

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
------------------------------------------------------------
After putting her grandchildren to bed for a sleepover, a grandmother washed off her makeup, changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and began to color her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say in a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

-------------------------------------------------------------
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

-------------------------------------------------------------
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked , "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.

-------------------------------------------------------------
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

-------------------------------------------------------------
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

-------------------------------------------------------------
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

-------------------------------------------------------------
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four to six."

-------------------------------------------------------------
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'I and add 'es'."

-------------------------------------------------------------
"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher asked, "Do you know what pregnant means?" Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

-------------------------------------------------------------
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close: "No, they use the dogs to find the fire hydrant."

 

---- www.newmantools.com/humour

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Car Trouble

 

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the

mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

---- www.newmantools.com/humour

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Thoughtful Insights .....

Number 10

Life is sexually transmitted.

 

Number 9

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 

Number 8

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7

 

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

 

Number 6

Some people are like a Slinky . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

 

Number 5

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

 

Number 4

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

 

Number 3

Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you 30¢?

 

Number 2

In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

 

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2007:

We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

 

---- www.newmantools.com/humour

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Making a Baby

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father
was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm
off now The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''
Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you
know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and
have a seat"
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the ba thtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry
and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if
we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be
in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with
that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just
had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted

 

---- www.newmantools.com/humour

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Wisconsin cow.... Male Intuition

> The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk. The
> people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in
> Antigo, Wisconsin, for $200.00.
>
> They bought the cow from Wisconsin and the cow was wonderful. It
> produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased
> and very happy.
>
> They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more
> cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply
> again.
>
> They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
>
> However whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move
> away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move
> away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
>
> The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very
> wise, what to do.
>
> They told the Vet what was happening.
>
> "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he
> approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her
> from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she
> walks away to the other side."
>
> The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this
> cow in Wisconsin?"
>
> The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where
> they bought the cow.
>
> "You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
>
> "How did you know we got the cow in Wisconsin?"
>
> The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,
>
> "My wife is from Wisconsin."

 

---- www.newmantools.com/humour

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Cowboy Boots

Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a
sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any
easier pulling the boots off than It was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time
on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?", like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to
help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your Mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots."

She will be eligible for parole in three years.

---- www.newmantools.com/humour

---

Blonde Joke

 

> >A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust
> and
> >she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to
> ask
> >her
> >God for help.
> >She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and
> if I
> >don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me
> win
> >the lottery."
> >Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
> >She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost
> >my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
> >Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
> >Once again, she prays... "My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost
> my
> >business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often
> >ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE
> >let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in
> >order."
> >Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
> >The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of her God, Himself....
> >"Sweetheart, work with me on this one, buy a ticket."
> >
>
>

---- www.newmantools.com/humour

---

Male or female?

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.

Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again.  They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their arse.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

 

 

---- www.newmantools.com/humour

---

links to older selections:

2007 collection:

 

2006 collection:

2004 collection

 

2000 collection

98a

98 parts b

 

updated June 2008 sorry it took so long to update. ( i'm busy running a business) Ha Ha

 

www.newmantools.com/humour

---

 

link to home page

Newman Tools Inc.
185 Iber Road
Stittsville, Ottawa, Ontario, Canada K2S 1E7
Phone: 1-613-836- 6776 or 1-800-465-1384
Fax: 1-613 -836 -9070 or 1-800-605-2442

 

 

Newman Tools Inc.
151 New Park Avenue
Hartford, CT 06106, USA
Phone: 1-800-465-1384
Fax: 1-800-605-2442

Email:     info@newmantools.com

---

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