2011 collection, Humour Page 2

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heard a good one lately please send it to jokes@newmantools.com

updated July 2012

Thanks to my regular contributors, Jaz, Hanna, Pat, Dave, Barbara, Alex and others without names

 


The priest was instructing a class of third-graders at All Saints grammar school.

"There were two brothers, and one of them chose the wicked path of Satan. The brother was evil and corrupt and did great damage to many people, and wound up a convicted criminal in a tiny, dark cell.

"But the other brother studied hard and became a great, rich, knowledgeable lawyer.

"Now, children, what is the difference between these two brothers, who started out in the same place, who together embarked upon life's stormy seas?"

Herman raised his hand and said, "Easy. One of them got caught."

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MURPHY'S LESSER KNOWN LAWS

Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule:  Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, 5-6 at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

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As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.

They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

 

 

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When my friends’ hubby went to the men's room in the Schiphol
Airport located in Amsterdam , he saw a fly and did his best to
'wash' it down the drain....but failed. He figured the fly had
super glue foot pads !!!

Now he knows why it was there!




Who says you can't potty train a man?

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Paraprosdokian Sentences: a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax.
 
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
 
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
 
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
 
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
 
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
 
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
 
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
 
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
 
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
 
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
 
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
 
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
 
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
 
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs..
 
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
 
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
 
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
 
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
 
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
 
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
 
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
 
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
 
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
 
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
 
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
 
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
 
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
 
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
 
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
 
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
 
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
 
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
 
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
 
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
 
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
 
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lime, and a shot of tequila.
 
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
 
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
 
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
 
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
 
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
 
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
 
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

 

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The Woman Marine Pilot
 
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"
"Don't f**K with Mommy when she's been drinking."

 

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You may remember  the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days:

 
Shecky GreeneRed ButtonsMyron Cohen, Totie Fields , Joey Bishop, Milton

 BerleJan MurrayDanny Kaye, Henny YoungmanBuddy HackettSid

 CaesarGroucho Marx, Jackie MasonVictor BorgeWoody AllenJoan

 Rivers, Lenny BruceGeorge BurnsAllan ShermanJerry Lewis, Peter

 SellersCarl ReinerShelley Berman, Gene Wilder, George Jessel, Alan King,

 Mel  BrooksPhil Silvers, Jack CarterRodney DangerfieldDon RicklesJack

 Benny and so many others.

And there was not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are a few examples:

 

 * I just got  back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the  airport.

*  I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever  finds out, she'll kill  me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The  thief spends less than my wife  did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she  shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we  spent our wedding  night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My  wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea .

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was  only for the  estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud  fell off.

*  I was just in London ; there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still  confused. When I go to dinner,  I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel  hungry.

*  The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him  another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came  back. " Mrs. Cohen answered,  "So did my arthritis!"

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"  Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See!  What did I tell  you?"

* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest.  The man asks, "Doc, how do  I stand? " The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

*  Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says,  "You've been  brought here  for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

* Why  do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

* Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

 * The  Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like  Chinese food so much. The study  revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

 * There is a big controversy on the Jewish  view of when life begins.  In Jewish tradition, the fetus  is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

 Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?  A: It's called, 'Debbie Does Dishes'. 

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole  officers?A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

 
Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?A: Facing Bloomingdale's.

 * A man called his mother in Florida,  "Mom, how are you?" " Not too good," said the mother. "I've  been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said,  "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."The son said, "That's terrible. Why  haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call." 

* A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."  "The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a  speaking part."

 Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

 Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to  change a light bulb? A: (Sigh) "Don't  bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

 * Short summary of every Jewish  holiday:  They tried to kill us. We won.  Let's eat.

 * Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a  Jewish mother on the  street and said, "Lady, I  haven't eaten in three days." "Force  yourself," she  replied.

 Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?  A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

 Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?

A: Because  Jewish women don't like anything that Isn't 20% off.

 

 

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THREE DOGS AT THE VET...

  Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck
 up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and 
said " So why are you here ? "

 The yellow Lab replied, “I’m a pisser. I piss on everything....the
 sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night
 when I  pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

 The black Lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the yellow Lab.
 "They reckon it'll calm me down."

 The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "why are you here?"

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
 trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the 
carpets.   But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owners' couch."
 "So what are they going to do to you ? " the Yellow Lab inquired.
 "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?
"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
 cat, a  pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever.  I want to hump everything I
 see."
 Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to
 dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
started hammering away."
 The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
 " So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?"

 The Great Dane said, "Nope…., apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped !"

 

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Let's face it: Canadians are a rare breed.

The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

50° Fahrenheit (10° C)
· Californians shiver uncontrollably.
· Canadians plant gardens.

35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)
· Italian Cars won't start
· Canadians drive with the windows down

32° Fahrenheit (0° C)
· American water freezes
· Canadian water gets thicker.

0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)
· New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
· Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)
· Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
· Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-109.9° Fahrenheit (-78.5° C)
· Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice.
· Canadians pull down their earflaps.

-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)
· Ethyl alcohol freezes.
· Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg

-459.67° Fahrenheit (-273.15° C)
· Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
· Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"

-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)
· Hell freezes over.
· The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup

 

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One Christmas Eve, three Newfies died and approached the Pearly Gates. St. Peter met them and told them to go away and come back the next day, as he was way too busy with Christmas Eve to attend to them right then.

 

They pleaded that they had no place to go and for St. Peter to let them in. St. Peter said, "OK, if you each can come up with something related to Christmas I'll let you in."

 

The first Newfie takes out his car keys, and shakes them. St. Peter asks what that had to do with Christmas. The Newfie said that it represented the Bells of Christmas. St Peter lets him in.

 

The second Newfie takes out his keys, but he has one of those little lights on his chain, and turns it on. St. Peter asks what that had to do with Christmas. The Newfie said that it represented the Star of

Bethlehem. St Peter lets him in.

 

The third Newfie reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pair of woman's panties, and St Peter asks him what that was all about. The Newfie says:  "They're Carols"

 

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One Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is Little Johnny on his shiny new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Little Johnny says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

Little Johnny takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

Little Johnny says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

 

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What a Difference 30 Years Can Make

1970: Long Hair
2000: Longing for hair

1970: The perfect high
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1970: Acid Rock
2000: Acid Reflux

1970: Moving to California because it's cool
2000: Moving to California because it's warm

1970: Growing pot
2000: Growing pot belly

1970: Killer weed
2000: Weed killer

1970: Hoping for a BMW
2000: Hoping for a BM

1970: The Grateful Dead
2000: Dr. Kevorkian

1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint
2000: Getting a new hip joint

1970: Rolling Stones
2000: Kidney stones

1970: Being called into the principal's office
2000: Calling the principal's office

1970: Peace sign
2000: Mercedes logo

1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1970: Take acid
2000: Take antacid

1970: Passing the driver's test
2000: Passing the vision test

1970: "Whatever"
2000: "Depends"

 

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Definition of Bravery:

 

Bravery is arriving home late after a boozy night out, being confronted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:

 

Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

 

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With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

 

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

 

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

 

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

 

'No, not yet,' She said.

 

After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

 

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

 

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

 

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

 

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

 

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